She Writes....

Have you ever proclaimed yourself to be something? Something important; interesting? You know, used an adjective that describes who you are or what you do? Someone or something that is "special?" It can be anything really, like singing, dancing, or perhaps the super genius that can do the entire crossword puzzle....in ink. Whatever it is, its your thing, and you are more than good at it....you are ah-mazing at it.....Everyone has a thing, and if you don't, you should really get started on figuring out what yours is, it definitely makes you more interesting.

I have a few things.....I am obsessed with POP CULTURE....and for some reason I always seem to know random bits of info. My long term memory is kind of awesome as well, I can sometimes remember exact dates and times of events that happened 20 years ago.....and I write....I am essentially a writer.....

The only thing is lately, I haven't been writing too much of anything. And I could make excuses and say I'm too busy or haven't been inspired or my computer has been down, but none of those are true. I've been a combo or procrastinator/lazy ass/scaredy cat......I procrastinate, because, well its just what I do. Lazy---sometimes I just don't feel like it....honest that's even an excuse, its just the reason. Scared, because well, if I actually finish this book I've been talking about for over 2 years, and I'm not the next Jennifer Weiner or someone equally great, I don't know what I'll do. Its not even about the masses reading it....its about whoever does read it, thinking its crap.....and while I think I'm a pretty good writer, and terrified of finding out that I'm not.....

Its kind of dishonest in a way to call yourself a writer when the last thing you actually sat down and wrote was a note on facebook.....I'm not even sure that counts, because I was mostly venting. I mean that's fine, but as I said earlier, I'm supposed to be writing a book. An honest to God, real life book of fiction, creating characters, and weaving a story so impeccably written, as soon as the reader is done, they want to read something else by the novelist....me! But sadly, I haven't looked @ my book....I can't even say, I'm so ashamed. Its been awhile. But doesn't mean, I don't think about it everyday, and jot down ideas down....and think of some amazing dialouge. But does that really matter, if I don't put pen to paper....or rather hand to keys and get this thing crackin????

My procrastination tactics are infamous....I mean the last thing I completed in a timely manner was getting my bachelor of arts.....and that was 4.5 years ago....so I'm decided to get back to my writing, I should start with blogging again.....

But all my stalling and procrastinating is really about something bigger than me just putting things off. As I said earlier, I'm afraid I'm just no good....And wouldn't that be depressing if I've been talking about I'm a writer, and the first big thing I write is kinda bad.....crap....Besides being scared is better than being lazy, right? I mean at least I have a valid excuse for not writing, other than, I just wasn't feeling it!

You know, I'm beginning to think of laziness as some type of disease, that I caught....now I need the antibiotics or whatever, because I have to get rid of this thing....quick! Who am I kidding? That cure is getting off my lazy bum, and writing......that's it....Oh yeah. and making it good!

So that's where I am, right now--what do I need to do to get where I want to be? Its simple really, I need to discipline myself....I have to actually write something, and then I can figure out how to get people to read it! But this brings up another whole mess of problems....These are my 3 distinct fears:

1) I will never be motivated to write (which is weird when I talk about is writing)
2) When I do start writing consistently (that's my optimistic side), no one is really going to care, because my writing is subpar....or
3) Or I could write something really great, and no one would read it.

So I'm @ this point of do I believe in my abilities and keep it moving or do I just do something else? Something I know, I would be successful doing? I'm smart, so I know I could various things, and be good--I could be a teacher, a business woman, a librarian (clearly I have a thing about books). But I know that I'm not going to be happy with myself until I complete at least one book, and see what happens form there....

So here I am writing---blogging, but at least I'm getting into the swing of things again..............1